Humor, rantings, pity parties, songs, and poems. All honest. All true. All homegrown and straight from the Tart.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
An Honest Liar
Scenario 2 of 3:
We're now at Kmart & I'm digging in the panty bin. Yes the Joe Boxer panty bin (don't judge). Rylan starts to walk away from us so I ask Landon to go grab him. All of a sudden I hear a lady say, "Oh what a happy baby!" I turn to see both my kids with panties on their head. Landon quickly says, "No. No he's not. He's mean. So am I & there's another one at home just like us but he's 4. His name is Casey." Lady laughs awkwardly & walks on. I give Landon THE LOOK of death. He laughs & says,"Wow that lie just came outta nowhere."
Tall, Dark, & Embarrassed
Scenario 1 of 3:
I was at the mall & this REALLY hot guy around my age starts walking towards me smiling. I, of course, smile back. He comes up & says, "Hey Jess! How's your cousin Sara?" I say, "Oh,well, uh she's great. Yup, really good. Just had a baby." He tilts his pretty little head to the side & looks at me weird.I say,"Ok, yeah I don't have a cousin Sara. Nope, sure don't, but ironically & in my defense my name IS Jessica." His mouth opens a little and he suddenly seems a bit intimidated & awkward. As if on cue, both my kids come crawling out from under a clothes rack & look up at him. He looks at them,they both laugh at him. That "you're stupid" kind of laugh. He scratches his head, me still smiling, his mouth still open as if he wants to say something. He simply turns red, turns around, and walks away.
I was at the mall & this REALLY hot guy around my age starts walking towards me smiling. I, of course, smile back. He comes up & says, "Hey Jess! How's your cousin Sara?" I say, "Oh,well, uh she's great. Yup, really good. Just had a baby." He tilts his pretty little head to the side & looks at me weird.I say,"Ok, yeah I don't have a cousin Sara. Nope, sure don't, but ironically & in my defense my name IS Jessica." His mouth opens a little and he suddenly seems a bit intimidated & awkward. As if on cue, both my kids come crawling out from under a clothes rack & look up at him. He looks at them,they both laugh at him. That "you're stupid" kind of laugh. He scratches his head, me still smiling, his mouth still open as if he wants to say something. He simply turns red, turns around, and walks away.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Random Shit My Son Says
Landon: "Mom, why do we have nipples?"
Me: "Because that's how God made female humans & mammals to feed milk to their babies."
Landon: "Well, why do boys have nipples then?"
Me: "I dunno Landon, maybe Adam got jealous of Eve so God gave him some too."
Landon: "Hmm. He should've made them buttons or something, like horns so we'd have something to play with."
Me: "Don't worry. You'll have plenty to play with in about 10 years."
Me: "Because that's how God made female humans & mammals to feed milk to their babies."
Landon: "Well, why do boys have nipples then?"
Me: "I dunno Landon, maybe Adam got jealous of Eve so God gave him some too."
Landon: "Hmm. He should've made them buttons or something, like horns so we'd have something to play with."
Me: "Don't worry. You'll have plenty to play with in about 10 years."
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