Wednesday, December 5, 2012

On The Other Side

I've struggled and thought about sitting down and writing this for a while now, but it's one of those things that every time you try to, you get too emotional or you find excuses not to.  This morning my cousin posted a song on Facebook that I hadn't heard in a while.  One of those songs that wake you up and make you "feel".  It's called "On The Other Side".
I was driving back from one of Landon's baseball games at Buffalo in Rutledge.  It was somewhere between 8 and 9 pm.  I was riding alone.  Landon had went back with his dad and Rylan wanted to ride with Royal.  I'm rarely alone, but on this occasion I was excited because it was pouring the rain.  Most people would hate driving Joppa Mountain when it's coming a monsoon, but I've always found my happiness, peace, and comfort in a good rain or storm.  I was listening to KLove and started losing signal right as I pulled out of the ball field onto Owl Hole Gap. The next station down on my programmed list is B97.5 and I quickly heard Delilah's voice. I decided to listen in but soon realized she was at the end of a tale.  The song she played following her story took me by surprise.
My story actually starts before the drive across Joppa Mountain.  "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe is and has been a well known song for a long time.  The first time I heard it was when I was in my early 20's on my way back from an all night party.  It was about 7am and I was driving back home.  This song came on and I cried my eyes out. Lord knows how much I have sinned in my past but I knew what a sinner I was at that very moment.  For weeks and months when I heard the song I would immediately change it so I wouldn't have to face the guilt. In spite of me finding forgiveness, still years later when I heard the song I remembered how great our God is yet I remembered what a sinner I was.
On April 24th, 2012 I was riding with Royal on my way down to the hospital to see my mammaw after she woke up from surgery.  We were running behind because of getting Landon off to school and leaving Rylan with a sitter.  I had called mammaw the night before and told her I loved her and that I'd be right there waiting when she woke up.  As Royal and I had turned off Tater Valley Rd on Hwy 61 the song, "I Can Only Imagine" came on.  I immediately got the sickening feeling in my stomach but it wasn't from the sins of my past, it was something else.  Something sweet.  Something peaceful.  But a sweet and peaceful feeling that made me nervous.  10 minutes later we're in the Hardee's drive thru.  My phone rings and Royal pulled up to the intercom.  "Can I take your order" said the lady in the drivethru.  "Let me speak to Roy" said my mom on the phone.  I handed it to Rory.  I heard him utter a few muffled "Ok"s and he hung up.  I looked at him and he said, "Your mom was making sure we're on our way because she said your Dad needs you."  I told him let's skip breakfast and head on.  But before we could pull out onto the highway thousands of pictures of me and my mammaw flew through my head and stopped at the words "I Can Only Imagine". I cried out loud as though I was an actress in a movie.  "She's gone isn't she?!!!!! Tell me the truth Rory, she's gone!!!  I know it!!"  He could barely nod his head and tears started falling from his eyes as well. "I knew it" I cried. "I knew it when I heard the song, she was trying to tell me."  I was wailing and I'm not even sure Rory could understand what I was even saying, but I rocked back and forth in my seat and cried uncontrollably all the way down there.
For days I was somewhat angry with God.  I selfishly prayed asking him the typical "Why".  Why would he take the last "loving and normal" thing I had left in my life.  I was angry because he hadn't given me a sign, but he assured me he had.  My mammaw had cooked a family dinner just 2 days prior to her surgery.  We all bragged on how it was the best we had had in years, and it was.  She had also called me weeks before and told me about her Last Will and Testament.  I fussed at her telling her to stop talking like that.  We wouldn't be pulling that thing out for years to come.  In addition to those, Rev. Denver Davidson stopped by to see my mammaw that previous Sunday I believe.  Me and the boys were there along with Mom and Dad.  I watched him pull in then saw Rylan run up to him.  Rylan tends to be shy at first around adults, especially those he's never met.  Instead, he ran up to Denver and reached his little arms up for him to pick him up, and he did.  He carried him for a while, Rylan just smiling as if he'd known him since birth, then Rylan quickly decided to chase the chickens for a while instead.  All these little things were signs.  I see that now.  I couldn't then.
So I'm driving in the pouring rain and Delilah says, "This one goes out to all those with heavy hearts.  May God touch you."  And just like that, there it was, "I Can Only Imagine".  Since mammaws death, I've heard it nearly a dozen times, and I can't help but cry and thing back on days with my grandmother.  I started crying. Then crying heavier and more, almost in harmony with the rain on my windows.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I cried aloud, "Why won't you talk to me mammaw?  I can sense you're hear, but I want to feel your little hand in mine!  I want you to talk to me, not just comfort me mammaw.  Please.... mammaw I feel so alone sometimes.  Mom and dad aren't the same.  Daddy doesn't believe me when I say you're with me sometimes when I pray.  He won't accept you're gone.  He doesn't understand he can talk to you if he wants to.  Please, mammaw...just touch me, touch my heart."  I hadn't much more got out those last words and the song went off.  Normally, there's commercials or another story, but it immediately went straight to another song.  A song my mammaw was singing straight to me.  There's not a doubt in my mind, not a SINGLE doubt that my mammaw knew how to talk to me.  Through music.  Every word in that song, EVERY SINGLE WORD mammaw was speaking to me.  I honest to God shouted thanking her and thanking God for hearing me.  I needed that.  I needed to be 100% assured that she could hear me and could talk to me if I needed her. She did just that.
I've needed her guidance a couple of times since then, but I've never asked her to speak to me again.  I don't think I need her to.  She'll help me, with God's permission, when I need it. I assure you this, even if you don't understand what's on the other side, it's ok. None of us do.  But they can hear us.  They can hear us when they need to.  And I can't wait to see it all for myself one day.  Here's to you mammaw.  Thank's for singing this to me.  From this day on, now and forever more....You'll Be In My Heart..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=git6DCXSqjE&feature=share&list=PLD1743C048A3C595F