A Free Show

Scenario 3 of 3: 

The windows are down in my truck as I pull in the driveway. I put it in park & get out to get the mail. The radio is blasting so I'm shaking what the good Lord gave me as I walk & singing "Uh oh uh oh Stuck Like Glue" at the top of my lungs to make the boys laugh. They're hanging out the window giggling until Landon points and yells, "Don't shake your boobies mama! Bobby's outside!" And Bobby, our farmer neighbor, was indeed outside...looking at me...hoeing away. Uh oh uh oh :/

An Honest Liar

Scenario 2 of 3: 

We're now at Kmart & I'm digging in the panty bin. Yes the Joe Boxer panty bin (don't judge).  Rylan starts to walk away from us so I ask Landon to go grab him.  All of a sudden I hear a lady say, "Oh what a happy baby!"  I turn to see both my kids with panties on their head. Landon quickly says, "No. No he's not. He's mean. So am I & there's another one at home just like us but he's 4. His name is Casey." Lady laughs awkwardly & walks on. I give Landon THE LOOK of death. He laughs & says,"Wow that lie just came outta nowhere."

Tall, Dark, & Embarrassed

Scenario 1 of 3:
I was at the mall & this REALLY hot guy around my age starts walking towards me smiling. I, of course, smile back. He comes up & says, "Hey Jess! How's your cousin Sara?" I say, "Oh,well, uh she's great. Yup, really good. Just had a baby." He tilts his pretty little head to the side & looks at me weird.I say,"Ok, yeah I don't have a cousin Sara. Nope, sure don't, but ironically & in my defense my name IS  Jessica." His mouth opens a little and he suddenly seems a bit intimidated & awkward. As if on cue, both my kids come crawling out from under a clothes rack & look up at him. He looks at them,they both laugh at him. That "you're stupid" kind of laugh. He scratches his head, me still smiling, his mouth still open as if he wants to say something. He simply turns red, turns around, and walks away.

Random Shit My Son Says

Landon: "Mom, why do we have nipples?" 
Me: "Because that's how God made female humans & mammals to feed milk to their babies." 
Landon: "Well, why do boys have nipples then?" 
Me:  "I dunno Landon, maybe Adam got jealous of Eve so God gave him some too." 
Landon:  "Hmm. He should've made them buttons or something, like horns so we'd have something to play with." 
Me:  "Don't worry. You'll have plenty to play with in about 10 years."