Random Shit My Son Says

Scenario: Landon stays home from school due to a virus.

Landon: "Mom? Can I lay in your lap?"

Me: "Sure baby, go ahead."

Landon: "Ouwww! GoodNESS momma! Go shave your legs!"

Me: "Landon hun, I've not had time to shave my legs."

Landon: "Well, next time when I'm in the bathroom throwing up, YOU need to be in the bathtub shaving your legs. Gotta be prepared for these things momma."

A Free Show

Scenario 3 of 3: 

The windows are down in my truck as I pull in the driveway. I put it in park & get out to get the mail. The radio is blasting so I'm shaking what the good Lord gave me as I walk & singing "Uh oh uh oh Stuck Like Glue" at the top of my lungs to make the boys laugh. They're hanging out the window giggling until Landon points and yells, "Don't shake your boobies mama! Bobby's outside!" And Bobby, our farmer neighbor, was indeed outside...looking at me...hoeing away. Uh oh uh oh :/

An Honest Liar

Scenario 2 of 3: 

We're now at Kmart & I'm digging in the panty bin. Yes the Joe Boxer panty bin (don't judge).  Rylan starts to walk away from us so I ask Landon to go grab him.  All of a sudden I hear a lady say, "Oh what a happy baby!"  I turn to see both my kids with panties on their head. Landon quickly says, "No. No he's not. He's mean. So am I & there's another one at home just like us but he's 4. His name is Casey." Lady laughs awkwardly & walks on. I give Landon THE LOOK of death. He laughs & says,"Wow that lie just came outta nowhere."

Tall, Dark, & Embarrassed

Scenario 1 of 3:
I was at the mall & this REALLY hot guy around my age starts walking towards me smiling. I, of course, smile back. He comes up & says, "Hey Jess! How's your cousin Sara?" I say, "Oh,well, uh she's great. Yup, really good. Just had a baby." He tilts his pretty little head to the side & looks at me weird.I say,"Ok, yeah I don't have a cousin Sara. Nope, sure don't, but ironically & in my defense my name IS  Jessica." His mouth opens a little and he suddenly seems a bit intimidated & awkward. As if on cue, both my kids come crawling out from under a clothes rack & look up at him. He looks at them,they both laugh at him. That "you're stupid" kind of laugh. He scratches his head, me still smiling, his mouth still open as if he wants to say something. He simply turns red, turns around, and walks away.

Random Shit My Son Says

Landon: "Mom, why do we have nipples?" 
Me: "Because that's how God made female humans & mammals to feed milk to their babies." 
Landon: "Well, why do boys have nipples then?" 
Me:  "I dunno Landon, maybe Adam got jealous of Eve so God gave him some too." 
Landon:  "Hmm. He should've made them buttons or something, like horns so we'd have something to play with." 
Me:  "Don't worry. You'll have plenty to play with in about 10 years."

Random Shit My Son Says

Asked Landon what he wanted for supper.
He said, "A Pasghetti Pizza." 
Me: "Uh first of all it's not 'Pasghetti' it's 'Spa....ghetti'. Secondly what is...." 
Landon interrupts me, "Wait! What?! Are u serious?!" 
Me: "Huh? about what?"
Landon: "Has it ALWAYS been SPAGHETTI?" 
Me: "Well, yeah." 
Landon: "So why have you let me call it PASGHETTI for 6 years and not fix me?!"

Random Shit My Son Says

Scenario: Me and the kids at Kmart in the beverage/pudding aisle.  Rylan's sitting in the buggy eating cheese puffs, Landon's riding on the front of the buggy, I stop at the Spaghetti O's. Short mexican guy comes speedwalking beside Landon's end of the buggy. Reaches up on the shelf and starts ripping open a brand new carton of Red Bull...takes out two...sticks them under his arm...speedwalks around Landon and keeps going.

Landon: ::watching the Mexican walk out of the aisle::   ::stares at me::    Holy cuss. Did he seriously just steal those drinks mama?

Me:  ::my mouth dropped open and eyes wide::  Uhm...well...yeah Landon. I think he just did.

Rylan:  ::chewing on cheese puffs looking at us both::

Landon: He's soooo going to hell for that, ain't he mama?

Me: That's for God to decide baby, not us. Let's go tell someone what we saw.

::explaining to associate what we saw::

Associate:  ::looks at Landon::  That wasn't very nice of that man was it? He was bad, huh?

Landon:  Yeah, he's real bad. But...well...mom's kinda bad too because my little brother dropped a whole bunch of cheese puffs in your floor, in the toys, and...well...my mom...well she didn't pick them up.  She kicked them underneath the racks.

Me: ::looking at lady::

Associate:  ::looking at me::

Me: I have nothing to say to that.

Associate: ::smiles:: That's ok.  ::walks away::

Me:  ::staring at Landon::

Landon: ::looking at me::  What?! You always say to tell the truth.

Me: Maybe next time you should wait and tell the truth AFTER I buy your toy.

Landon:  ::looks puzzled::  I have a lot to learn don't I mama?

What a Picture Can Hold

Something amazing happened to me the other day. Something simple and silly actually, but none the less exciting to me. Sometimes, as we get older, we forget that simplicity and freedom can often bring the greatest happiness. A friend I follow on Twitter reminded me of such a time when I once followed that motto. He posted a picture, this picture, and it summoned a memory from my youth. A memory that means nothing to anyone else, and it shouldn't.  I share it alone.

I close my eyes and see it. I see myself out of breath, trudging up the hillside. Wind blowing my pigtails and catching my bandana from the back of my hair and shaping it into a conical hat. My backpack weighs a ton and the oversized duffle bag with my life line (keyboard) hanging out of it doesn't help, but once I reach the top it's soooooo worth it. Little did I know then that all those days I walked a mile through the woods, fields, springs, and up that extremely steep hill with that heavy load was pretty much the metaphor of life itself. There's the top....there's the top....almost there....almost there....collapse. The grass is sooooo much cooler up here. Where's my water? I hate water, but it always tastes so good from the spring on the way up here. Still lying there, I look up, and see the clouds hustling by like they've got somewhere they need to be. But not me. Not today. Then here comes the wind again and the most amazing thing happened. All these little seeds began parachuting down in slow motion. Spinning and floating. Floating and spinning. Covering me, covering the open grass around me. I raise up and I had the most calming, collective, inspirational vision ever. I was overlooking my little neighborhood, like the many times before, but this time, this day, those tiny little soaring seeds sparked something in me and I saw things different. Up until that moment, I had always played the piano by ear. I had always sung, hummed a tune, etc. Picked up anything I heard and gave it my own "touch", but never stepped out of the safe zone. I had dozens of things go through my mind. All these random thoughts...phrases...ideas...words...notes.  Yep. That was it. That was the very first time I wrote a song. I wrote a song down on paper. It had actual lyrics, meaning, melody, etc.  Those tiny little fluttering seeds mirrored an underlying talent I had never known about. No one ever told me I could write my own music. No one ever told me that some of those amazing voices and songs heard on the radio were born and raised in tiny little nowhere towns like mine.

That day God exposed those tasseled seeds for a reason.I discovered a connection with God AND myself that I never knew existed. HE had given me that talent. HE had planted those artistic seeds inside me, but I had never known to 'water' and 'care' for them, so to speak.. I don't thank Him enough for that particular prescription (talent) that eases my troubled mind and heals the wounds this life has given me. My seed (talent) may not have grown to be the winning rose in the garden show, but it's beautiful to me.

A special thank you to Matt Wantland for taking this picture and posting it on his site.
http://projectoneonetwo.tumblr.com

Random Shit My Son Says

Me: ::tucking Landon in:: Ok bud, time for...wait..what..huh...what the cuss? Landon?! Why is there a dirty table spoon tucked under Collie Bear?


Landon: ::sigh:: It's not my fault. It's my boss' fault. 


Me: What? I mean huh, boss, who's your boss? 


Landon: He's a bad man mama. I messed up and joined the bad ninjas. Not the good ones, the bad ones. And these bad ninjas needed me to steal your dirty table soon.

Random Shit My Son Says

Setting: Checkout line in Food City

Lady at Register: "You're total is....uhm..."   ::turns monitor towards me::.

Me:  ::getting the debit card::

Landon:  ::looking up at monitor. gasps.::  Yells   "OH MY WOW MOM! Are you SERIOUS?! We spent over $300 on FOOD?!"

::everyone looking and laughing::

Me:  ::chuckling::  "Yeah, I forgot you're in Kindergarten and can read prices."

Landon:  ::folding his arms and 'mean mugs' me::  Calmly says  "Mom.....when I wanted one of those Ipoddies I thought you said we were poor?"

15 minutes of Faceplants

1. I'm gathering trash from my bathroom and Cutie Pie (my indoor cat) flies into my garden tub, back out under my legs, leaps in the air atop my bed, and faceplants straight thru my window screen out into the front yard.

2. Rylan, my 10 month old, was sitting in the floor watching music videos. Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" comes on. He's swaying back and forth laughing. Then suddenly stops, and slowly, I'm talking slow motion, leans over and faceplants HARD into the keyboard. Screams for 10 minutes straight.

3. I go to take the 1st bite out of my pecan pie. I somehow managed to spoon it out a little too hard and it goes plunging and faceplants on the floor.

4. I clean up the mess and gather 3 trashbags and carry them out to put in the back of the truck. Walking out my river walk sidewalk making sure I don't fall and along comes Tucker Max, my outdoor cat, who trips me causing me to blow out "another" flip flop and go down hard, faceplanting into my own garbage. Faceplant so hard, an empty Gain detergent bottle ripped my earring out of my ear and the garbage rips spilling paper towels and condom wrappers into the wind.

And that was my 15 minutes of faceplants.

Happiness to me is....

....the feeling I get when...


Tiny little arms that I created wrap around my neck.
I'm watching the raindrops run down my window imagining they're racing.
I buy a new candle.
He talks in his sleep and says my name.
I lay my head on a freezing cold pillow.
I dance with my broom.
Not having to worry or doubt a feeling.
I hear my 6 year old begin with "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep..."
I climb into a bubble bath.
I hear the frogs chirping at my pond.
My fingers touch the ivory keys of my childhood piano.
I watch old couples laugh.
Someone holds the door open.
Contentment is more than ok for me.
I stop singing and my little boy is still smiling.
I talk about all the ideas I have, knowing I'll never do them, still feels great.
I go wading in the creek.
I smell Gain dryer sheets.
I belt out The Little Mermaid soundtracks as I clean.
God forgives me.
I watch Glee.
I get a new hair color.
We share a glass of wine.
I sniff my kids' hair after a bath.
See the lightning bugs throughout the fields.
I hear a thunderstorm blowing in.
Find money in my pocket.
Go from my real age to a teenager with my best friend when we rock out with local bands.
I fall asleep watching the Goonies.
I know my family has been saved by the Grace of God.
My face fits perfectly in the palm of his hand.
I make someone smile.
I drink a Yoohoo.
I hear older songs that I love like "One of Us", "Chains", "Paint it Black", & "Gypsies, Tramps, & Thieves".
Friends tell me everything is going to be ok.
I think about where I once was, and where I am now.


Happiness to me is the feeling I get when...I forget about all of the "bad" in the world and in my life, and look at all the "good" that I have and CAN have. 

Random Shit My Son Says

Landon: “Mom what are you fixin’ for supper?”  
Me: “Hamburger steak.”  
Landon:  “Awesome! Can you fix some of those fancy taters too?”  
Me:  “Huh?”  
Landon: “You know those fancy taters we get at restaurants.  The ones with the hole in the top so we can put butter in it.”  
Me: “Baked potatoes Landon?”  
Landon: “Yeah!!  Those!”

Random Shit My Son Says

Landon: “Mom, what’s wrong with your hair?!”  
Me:  “Electricity.”  
Landon: “You mean the power is out so you can’t fix it?”  
Me:  “No. I mean static electricity.”  
Landon:  ::stares at me:: “Well, I wouldn’t use skatic tricity anymore mom.”

Random Shit My Son Says

Landon: What's this? (holding a tampon)
Me: Uhm, it's a female thing, put it back. 
Landon: Well, what do you do with it? 
Me: It's not nice to talk about, it's a private matter. 
Landon: So you mean it goes in your private part? 
Me: Landon! I said it's not nice to talk about! 
Landon: Do I have to use it when I get older because unless something grows A LOT it's not gonna fit. 
Me: ::sigh:: Landon, just drop it. 
Landon: ::drops it and walks away:: Mom....you're weird.

Random Shit My Son Says

Me: ""I swear Landon, what in the cuss is your problem?! Why can't you pay attention to ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING I say?!" 
Landon: ::thinking:: "Well mom it's like this. I'm a ninja, and that's what ninja's do. I don't have time to focus on you. I have to think about my fighting skills. You know why? Because ninja's are super fast like this." ::runs butt naked to his room::

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."- Edgar Allen Poe

"Something More"- song

I’m dreaming with my aura open

Loving with a heart half broken

I’m frozen but I can’t stop lurking

I’m closing but my mind keeps searching on…

And on…I can feel it…coming on

Chorus: I wanna break free, or shut down

I climb the walls, but I can’t get out

I found the key to an unlocked door

I keep searching for something more

Than rainbows filled with black and white lies

Or angels who won’t open their eyes

I found the key to an unlocked door

but keep searching…for something more.

I can’t stop crying tears of sand

I can’t sit still every time I stand

I’m drowning in a pool of dirt

I’m healing in a world of hurt

Right here…Right now…

I’ll be ready…I’ll be ready somehow

Repeat Chorus:

Bridge: More than me, more than this.

More than a world that bleeds and bleeds

just to prove that it exists.

Final Chorus: I wanna break free, or shut down

I climb the walls, but I can’t get out

I found the key to an unlocked door

but keep searching, for something more

Than rainbows filled with black and white lies

Or angels who won’t open their eyes

‘Than music that doesn’t make a sound

Or raindrops that won’t fall down

Love and Hate that can’t be felt

A fire inside that cannot melt’

I found the key to an unlocked door

but I keep searching….for something more